Unholy Alliance, Stern and Imus, Keep Rich Tenant Doors Open


In a last minute plea by Howard Stern and Don Imus–arch shock jock enemies by day, civic watchdogs by night–New York City’s Mayor Bloomberg was moved to avert a doorman strike that potentially could have killed thousands of the Big Apple’s wealthiest tenants. The bargain was struck at the midnight hour when United Alliance of Entrance and Exit Engineers, Local 96923, President Pepe Soposa pulled chiropractic service benefits off the table in return for agreement to eliminate mandated polyester from the dress code, a perennial flash point for the luxury lobby lookouts.

Shaking hands with the mayor, Pepe proclaimed, “Meester Mayor, that ees one open door for reech man but giant cotton tee-shirts for doorman kinds.”

The mayor smiled and added, “Just don’t injure your back putting on the tees my friend.”

According to the AP, during a post settlement press conference, the mayor revealed the difference was a last minute joint conference call he took at the request of radio shock jocks Howard Stern of Sirius Radio and Don Imus of WFAN AM, no fans of each other.

Cranelegs News was able to acquire tapes of the purported call from an anonymous source who only went by the name Beetlejuice.

From the recording:

Stern: “Two years ago our (expletive) doorman didn’t (expletive) show up. Some (expletive) lame ass excuse about his (expletive) wife dying or something. The (expletive) back up doorman was late because his (expletive) bus broke (expletive) down. It was (expletive) awful. Worse than 9 (expletive) 11. Hundreds of us trapped in the (expletive) lobby for tens of (expletive) minutes. I could hear (expletive) Minelli squawking from inside the expletive elevator. She didn’t know how to press the (expletive) buttons. It was (expletive) horrifying … her (expletive) screams … her (expletive) singing. We were all trapped like (expletive) dogs. It was (expletive) hot too. I’m guessing as much as (expletive) 74 degrees. I tried to get the (expletive) hot chicks to take their (expletive) tops off. No one would. It was (expletive) frustrating man … (expletive) frustrating. (sniffling is heard) No one new how to use the (expletive) door? Do we (expletive) push? Do we (expletive) pull? Does it slide to the (expletive) right? To the (expletive) left? Does it open like a (expletive) window? No one knew! No one (expletive) knew man! (crying is heard) No one could (expletive) know. It takes an engineer … a (expletive) entrance and exit engineer man. (pauses) I called my (expletive) hot young model girlfriend to tell her I (expletive) loved her man. That I would muh … muh …(expletive) muh marry her if I (expletive) lived. That I was going to … (more sobbing) … (expletive) die. It was … (wailing) … just (expletive) terrible. Don’t let it happen, you (expletive) useless piece of (expletive)!”

According to Craneleg News inside sources, the mayor was seen to dab a tear from his cheek. At which point Don Imus broke into the conversation.

From the recording:

Imus: “Deirdre … (garbled) … Wyatt … (mumbling) … Imus Ranch for kids … (incoherent) … green for clean products … (incomprehensible) … after tax profits … (screaming in background) … (dishes breaking) … (coughing) … (gagging) … (expletive) doorman’s fault.”

Cranelegs News learned the mayor excused himself for a moment to collect his thoughts. He then responded to Stern and Imus.

From the recording:

Mayor Bloomberg: “If this is what happened in ten minutes, imagine the consequences of a day, a week, a month. It is clear that the lives of my wealthiest contributors, I mean our city’s most prominent residents lay in the balance.”

Imus: “… (gurgle) … (snort) … six Panasonic plasma screens … (cough) … paid for myself … (hhoocckkttuuiiee) …”

Stern: “Shut up you (expletive) old shriveled hey nanny nanny!”

The sound of a nasal hose from an oxygen tank is heard.

Mayor: “I will do whatever it takes to see that these scoundrels stay on the job. I thank you for coming forward and taking time away from your busy schedules to set the record straight. Good night my fellow New Yorkers and may God continue to bless the Upper East Side.”

As reported by our sources, the mayor abruptly left the conference room and met with Pepe. It took five minutes to reach the final deal.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.