Martha Stewart will make sugar cookies and a whopping pitcher of lemonade out of lemons after she takes off that ankle bracelet. I love the Fox News commentary that we can’t keep track of sex offenders in Florida, but Martha has to wear an ankle bracelet and can’t garden or ride horses. All right, Martha, back away from the tomatoes!
Her stock may go through growing pains, but her Sirius radio show will lure an audience like bees to honey glazed ham.
Let’s look beyond the “she said/she didn’t say” particulars.
Savemartha.com, Marthatalks.com, and other Web sites indicate
that Ms. Stewart is not the most hated woman in America. Even Jay Leno, previously bombarded by Savemartha.com for his jibes at Martha, made some humorous jabs on her behalf. “Keep track of her? We can’t get rid of her!…Martha can’t ride a horse on her farm. What, are the police afraid of a 60-year-old woman on horseback? They couldn’t even catch O.J. in the Ford Bronco!”
Meanwhile, feminists, who conveniently remained silent while a largely male conspiracy degraded a strong, independent, successful woman, often derided Martha as setting an impossible and unrealistic standard of perfection.
You want to talk unrealistic? The media portrays the ideal
woman as size 2 with breast implants. And the marketing machine
pretends Britney Spears can sing and Jessica Simpson actually
has something to say worth listening to.
But aren’t we supposed to be beyond those traditional feminine
Hey, weren’t the feminists saying that Woman is all-nurturing
and any labor that comes from Womyn’s hands is superior to
(cough) males of any race but especially white males? Methinks the ladies do
protest too much. Maybe feeling awkward about their own
domestic skills? Guilty over a standard they themselves
repudiate? Afraid of their own feminine urges to make crepe
paper decorations and make a cake?
Real women bake pies. Or choose not to–that’s fine. Real
women decorate for Christmas. Real women garden. Real women
can be difficult to work with, the same as the real men. People
just notice it more when the refusal to compromise comes from a
pair of size seven high heels. But hey, even Dennis Rodman and
RuPaul got away with that.
And speaking of athletes, real women know that it’s not okay for
people who dribble a ball all day to get billions of dollars a
year while people like Martha who embody the American Dream, who
give us products that actually enrich our lives instead of hours
of mindless television and sports talk, get a prison sentence.
The entire NBA has been in prison. I don’t see anyone
threatening to stop buying Nikes and Air Jordans.
Real women bake cookies. It’s a no-brainer: Chocolate chips!
As in, chocolate chip cookies! Which, by the way, the male of
the species has also been known to eat. It’s interesting to
note that half the messages and letters on Savemartha.com are
Real women bake. We know you’re out there. So show your support and buy Martha, bake with Martha, and tune in to Martha Stewart Living Radio when it launches.