Capitalism’s BAD, N’kay?

The Wealth-Mongerers Are Back At It!

June Sixth, 2012: a day which will live in INFAMY! See, what had happened was, in a sudden and deliberate attack on socialist progressivism, the stock market actually skyrocketed UP by almost three hundred points. Just when we thought we’d finally made things fair by villifying capitalism and banishing prosperity to the ash-heap of history (the market had given back all its ill-gotten 2012 gains just a few days before), this has to go and happen.

If you’ve been watching South Park, or MSNBC, you would’ve learned that capitalism is BAD… n’kay? We know this because the Demediacrat information professionals have told us so. You’re not supposed to get a job. You’re not supposed to make investments. You’re supposed to go occupy a sidewalk and wait for manna from Heaven (or the federal government). It’s a new world – wealth is dead, and entitlement is all the rage. Right-wingers blame this on the president, whom they deride as the statists’ “messiah” – but, though Mr. Obama is indeed the Reason for the Seizin’, he’s only one important part of a huge, century-long progressive movement that’s brought us to this new Utopia.

So what caused that sudden outburst of prosperity on the sixth? The media were quick to explain that it happened because the Investment Community (again, I thought we’d eliminated those guys), which had lost all faith in Europe’s ability to de-Greece itself, suddenly stopped being afraid of all that. That may seem unlikely; but for sure, you shouldn’t believe the uptick had anything whatsoever to do with what had happened the day before, in a certain gubernatorial recall election in a certain state that we won’t mention. Ever again.

No, we won’t mention that state’s name, but it’s based on the word “Wisconsin,” which is an old Native American term meaning “in your face, union grafters.” It’s weird, because that state was pretty-much the birthplace of progressivism. Just a couple elections ago, in 1924, that state’s radical-leftist senator, “Fighting Bob” La Follette, narrowly missed becoming president! Fighting Bob was the candidate of both the Progressive and Socialist parties, and he racked up five million votes and carried the unnamed state in question (true story). Together with what Democrat John Davis got that year, it still wouldn’t have been enough to beat the whacky Republican incumbent, “Silent Cal” Coolidge (who was the original enemy of public-sector unions). But the point is, it was a darn good try!

So no, the unnamed state’s recent zaniness had nothing to do with the stock market calamity of 6/6. Maybe the Demediacrats are right – we just stopped being worried about Greece. Or maybe it was due to the 68th anniversary of D-Day (come to think of it, I believe the 68th is the “Electronically-Traded Fund Anniversary,” along the same traditional lines as the 25th “Silver” and 50th “Golden” Anniversaries). Maybe it was a right-wing demonstration to mark Rush Limbaugh’s second (“Cotton”) wedding anniversary. And let’s not forget the queen’s Diamond Jubilee! It’s possible investors grew momentarily nostalgic for the failed institutions of the past, such as the British monarchy, the American military, traditional marriage, and private wealth. Who knows?

But certainly, it had nothing to do with exuberance over the resurgence of fiscal sanity in a certain cheese-headed Midwestern state. No, sir. We should all mourn the loss of that election, and then get back to the noble work of dismantling America. Yes, we (still) can!

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